Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Amends. Apathy. Not Wanting to Get Involved. Being Part of the Problem...

Ever since I was born into a very dysfunctional family, and watched the madness at home, and observed behaviors of my own peers, besides retreating to the forest at times, I have tried to help when I can. Sticking one's head above the crowd gets the tomatoes, but not saying or doing anything, is being part of the problem, itself. As adults, we have to stand up and speak out. Sometimes there is a time and a better place, especially if you have to protect yourself or your loved ones, but sometimes you just have to pick up a broom and start cleaning things out.

Besides cooking and health tips, I share my beliefs and observations on this blog--things I strongly believe we all need to be aware of and be part of. If we are not part of the solution, it is said we are part of the problem.

I know it is tough to speak up, but being complicit is a horrible hell to live in. I was second of ten children in my family of origin, and yet I am the only one who speaks out and makes an effort to heal the sexual abuse and dishonesty and betrayal chosen by the other nine, their mates, etc. My youngest sister was molested by my youngest brother, and she also began to act out and molest some of my children. The harm was unimaginable, but just as damaging was my family pretending I just didn't exist and failing to stand up for what had happened, and support and protect me and my children. Even today, there has been no admission by the two sibs that harmed by abuse, or the rest of the barrel. One sister told me she just didn't want to discuss anything. Only with her therapist. If only I could have stuck my head in the sand while my children suffered. Of course we all did.

Because of their own childhood burdens, and the inconvenience of yet another shame-filled reality, I am understanding of them wishing the problem would just go away. The youngest told me my mother and her husband (who exposed himself to 3 of my daughters) went to an attorney and were advised the family should pretend I didn't exist. That was my experience.

Raising my children with their wounds, on $700 a month child support, without any family support except my next youngest sister who helped out for a while when I was in the last part of school, probably because she wanted somehow to make it right, was so stressful, that when I finally got a cancer diagnosis after fighting it for ten years, it was not a surprise. I didn't know what was worse: teenage years, the sexual abuse consequences, the abandonment of their father or the betrayal of their whole tribe. Inevitably, because my children have not dealt with their abuse or childhood experiences, health issues and consequences, chemical dependency and distance, etc., my own family is also shredded. This is typical. A problem like this is overwhelming. There are so many complexities in this picture, and no discussion, as if it will mend itself.

Eventually the sister who helped me with monetary donations for a few months my last part of school, sounded just like the rest of my siblings and mother. Something about me not being part of their religion (Mormon) and setting a bad example with dating, etc. and so my kids were acting out. ???

Even her attorney husband, Howard, who finally offered to help me file a modification of child support Pro Bono after years of struggling, either kept or waived the amount due from the period of filing to the court judgment, without my knowledge or consent. At the time, I was shocked, and thought perhaps it was some kind of Mormon brotherhood, taking care of each other as fellow tithe payers or something, or because he somehow felt sorry for my ex-husband. The ex-Val, kept all our Arizona property and stopped child support, making it necessary for me to turn him into the State Child Support Recovery.  Perhaps he had forgotten what caused the divorce after...7 children. I recently emailed my sister twice, asking for Howard to get back with me about this issue. It's time for him to make amends, and pay up. With interest, if that is appropriate. I thought at first that I'd be okay for my sis to take out part for her past donations, but hers was a voluntary gift, and Howard's was an illegal, involuntary and unethical violation.

Now that we all are approaching the later years, I think it's time to clean up some old problems. I have heard nothing from my sister. It's been weeks now. That seems to be the problem-solving technique of my entire family, besides blaming me for any problems. I'm just not interested in being their scapegoat, or anyone's. I'd like an accounting.
So, in world news, I listened to this General speak on a Youtube video this morning, and thought you might be interested...

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